Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Let's Live!!!!

Out of a converstion I had with a friend the other day a question arose in my mind.

Do we make things too complicated sometimes?

We were talking about life and all the decisions we are forced to make the older we get and the pressure that comes with that: decisions about life, relationships, jobs, careers, dreams, family, etc.

Is it possible that sometimes the only pressure in the decisions we make comes from us and not actually from those decisions?

That is, do we sometimes make things harder than they have to be? Are decisions of this nature really that complicated or do we assign this complication to them?

And is it possible that life really isn't that complicated at all sometimes.

I say yes to all those.

I think we make some decisions so complicated that we stress ourselves out. I think that we make it harder than it needs to be and therefore wear ourselves out.

Christians, I feel, are especially good at this. We are so afraid of taking the wrong step and "falling out of God's will for our lives," that we forget to take chances.

We debate and mull over and turn over and ask advice on every decision. What happened to life being an adventure? What are we so afraid will happen?

Now is advice and consideration important in decision-making? Absolutely. But in excess?

It cripples us. We forget that, while we do have a purpose, we also have a choice. God does give us room to make decisions for ourselves.

But we become so afraid of making the wrong decision that instead we choose not to decide at all. We become frozen. We complicate it.

I'm not in any way denying God's sovereignty and His will for our lives. But we also have freedom. Freedom to be with who we wanna be with (unless God clearly says no), to work where we want to work (unless God clearly says to move on to something new), and to be the kind of people we want to be (as long as we remain true to who we were created to be).

And what if we make the wrong decision? That's life! We are working out our faith daily and that means mistakes. Those are a given. But we shouldn't let fear of mistakes keep us from taking chances and living our lives.

I, personally, would rather live life boldly and make those mistakes, rather than doubting my decisions all the time for fear of choosing wrong. Yes, I might be right more often should I choose to live that way but I would feel as though I wasn't really living.

So let's not live in fear and indecision. Let's take chances and take risks, choosing wisdom over foolishness of course.

Let's live.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I Have No Idea What To Call This

"Judge not lest you be judged" as the famous verse says.

Shoot.

I fail at that. I realized the other day just how often I judge people and get upset with them for doing the same things that I myself am doing.

If I'm not careful, all I see are the things that others are doing wrong. I don't look at myself and see that I'm doing the same things.

This is not a good thing, especially in relationships, when personal responsibility is so key.

It seems that often most people look at the other person and see all the things they fail at, without looking at themselves in the same light.

We measure ourselves with a different stick then we do for everyone else. I know I do this.

It's my stupid pride and arrogance. I hate being wrong. So I choose to dig the speck out of the other person's eye.

Over and over again.

And here I have this huge tree trunk in my face, blocking my perspective. At best all I can do is repeatedly poke that person in the eye, which does nothing and only exasperates that person.

Not only that, but irritation with people does not promote unity. It promotes just the opposite and alienates people, friends and couples.

God himself does not judge me for failing repeatedly and never fails to extend grace, yet I get frustrated with people and fail to extend them the same grace.

So this makes me irritable and angry.

This is not how it should me. No one is perfect, least of all me, as I can be a terrible person, and my responsibility is to extend to others what God has extended to me.

I must forgive as I have been forgiven.

I can't have this double standard.

I believe that relationships would be much more succesfull if we were better at looking at ourselves rather than constantly looking at the other person, whether romantic in nature or simply friendships.

God has never counted my sins against me :)

I cannot count others' either.

God is good and His love never fails:)

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Storm

Often times, when talking about the storms in our lives, we refer to the things happening outside of us, the things happening in our lives that are out of our control.

The storm I face is not this kind. The storm I'm facing is inside of me.

I'm in a fight against myself and the battle is raging.

The fight is between me and myself.

It's a struggle between the man that struggles to control emotions and habits and lacks discipline in many ways and the man that burns for the love of Christ to fall on himself and on his school.

A struggle between the man who's feelings and judgements are like a roller coaster and the man that continues to grow closer to Christ everyday and feels the growth and punishment from the Father.

It's a fight between the man that thinks only of himself and the man that knows he can be so much more because God has dreamed of who he can be.

My determination is to be that man. The man that God has always known I can be. The man that has mastery over himself and is strong in battle. Not in my strength, which fails time after time, but in his.

I've been called to so much. God is asking if I'm going to step up.

I could say no. It's my choice. But I can't stand to live that way. I want to live free. And God is making it happen.

Sometimes I think to myself that often I'm like the double-minded man in James 1. That I often float around between confidence and lack thereof, between happiness and despair, between loving myself and hating myself.

The time for that to end is now. It's gone on long enough and it's time to take care of business.

This storm is the effect of that resistance. My old self doesn't appreciate the fight.

But I've got so much ahead of me. I'm ready to step into it. It's about leaving the person I used to be behind me in the pursuit of all God has for me.

1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12:1-3

Enough waiting to do what needs to be done. It's time for change.

It's been happening for months. It's just coming to a head and a crossroads. I'm taking the narrow way.

Watch out evil. I'm stepping up.

I want to be feared by the darkness.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

The Prodigal Son

Sometimes I feel like I've wandered so far from God that I can't get all the way back.



I feel like I've done too many things to return, to be whole again.



I lack the confidence to believe that I can overcome the things that plague me, both from the past and in the present.



Sometimes I feel like I'll never be complete again because of things I've said and done, like I won't be able to be all I'm meant to be because of how I've wandered.



It's in this moment when I hear this:



"Oh my child. Do you still not understand? My love accomplishes everything. You have confidence because I gave it to you by defeating every earthly power and reminding you that if I am for you, no one can be against you. My love and healing are complete. I can make you into what you've longed to be for so long, what I'VE wanted you to be for so long. Don't despair. You may have gone far from Me but I was never far from you. You can return to complete purity and wholeness and wisdom and healing. Just let me help you. Don't turn away in disappointment or shame. Let me see your face. Look into my eyes and see that you are LOVED. Welcome home."



And all of a sudden.....I dare to hope. I dare to believe that no matter how many times I've misrepresented my faith, no matter how many times I've sinned, no matter how many times I've strayed into deception and wrong thinking, or given up on myself, I can still be whole again.

No matter what my mind is telling me, I can come back. ALL the way back. Completely righteous and justified.



Everything from before forgotten. Just like that.


Now I'm free. I feel like I should have to do something else, like it's too easy, but I don't. I just need to accept it, accept the grace. It's difficult to believe that return to the exact spot that i strayed from and simply keep walking from there but I can.

We can.


Simple concept? Yes. Easy to learn? No.

I'm trying to get into my heart, not just leave it in my head.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Who I Am cont.

"We don't serve God to gain His acceptance; we are accepted, so we serve God. We don't follow Him to be loved; we are loved, so we follow Him."

"It is not what we do that determines who we are; it is who we are that determines what we do."

1 John 3:2 - "Beloved, now we are children of God."

Who I Am

Today I realized that I've been striving to attain something that is already mine to own.

I've been trying to BECOME a child of God, to BECOME worthy enough to be proud of by my Father in heaven.

I've been struggling to become a man of God, and I've felt like I'm failing.

Then Jesus spoke to me. He told me that i don't have to earn it, that I don't have to TRY to be a true man of God. I AM a man of God. I AM a child of God. This is not something that i need to earn. It's who I am already. A man after God's heart.

And yet, for some reason, I still feel like I need to grow more to somehow earn that title. I feel like I need to do more, to be more, as if I can somehow better myself in my Father's eyes.

I can't. Not only that, but I don't have to. I'm already there.

I've found myself doing things for God, like trying to better myself and grow and serve, and those are all necessary. But my motivation is wrong. Was wrong.

I was motivated by my fear that I wasn't good enough or strong enough or wise enough. That is what pushed me to be better.

Because, to be quite honest, I don't feel like I measure up. To other people and to what I think are God's expectations of me.

That's the best part about grace. I can't measure up. That's where grace steps in.

I don't have to measure up. We as God's children aren't called to measure up. We are called to live righteous and holy lives and lives of purity. But we don't have to earn God's acceptance. We already have it. I already have it. He cannot be more proud of me, of us, than He already is.

This knowledge sets me free. My motivation is no longer to be better because I'm not good enough. My motivation is to be better, to live taller, to accept grace, because God already takes pride in me and is pleased with me.

With us.

We have nothing to earn, but everything to gain.

Monday, June 22, 2009

I

I am not simply a forgiven sinner, someone that will never be able to overcome. I am a redeemed saint. The term sinner no longer applies to me, because by the grace of God I have been made righteous. I do sin. But i'm a sinner no longer. I've been redeemed.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Time is Now

I was sitting in my apartment reading my Bible when God spoke to me. He only said three words.

Opportunity is knocking.

Opportunity is knocking on our door. We of this generation have a chance to change the world like never before; something is happening. There is an undercurrent swirling just out of sight under the surface of the water but it's rising. Something is coming, and we need to be ready.

There is a window of opportunity that has not in the past been open, but it's opening now.

I read three verses: Galations 6:9-10, Ephesians 5:14-16, and Colossians 4:5. These verses all say the same thing and that is that are to make the most of every opportunity, for the days are evil.

I feel something happening, like a shift in the spiritual world. The tide is turning. We as Christians have struggled in recent history to make immediate lasting impact on the people around us, to turn the world upside-down like the apostles did, but that is becoming a thing of the past because something new is coming and it's BIG. It's new revelations; it's a destruction of previously assumed ideas and a birth of new ideas, of truth. God said, "See! I make all things new!" and that is what's happening, but in larger measure.

We as people are going to discover what is and what isn't.

But the catch is this: it's up to us. If we don't usher in this new kingdom of God on earth, it won't happen, because the LORD is looking for workers to harvest the fields. The crops will not harvest themselves.

Now the Lord's will WILL be accomplished, whether by our work or someone else's, but if we want this wave to sweep through our world like never before then now is the time.

Do we want to miss out on what God is doing? Do we want to miss the opportunity to be a part of something that this world has NEVER seen before?

This isn't like giving to a charity or radio station. We can't say," Well, someone else will give."

This is our time, our chance, to shake the world.

Something is coming. I feel it in my heart and gut and Spirit that something HUGE is happening.

Something is gonna break.

The word of the day is opportunity.

And it's ours for the taking.

Let's not be caught unprepared.

Let's get in the game.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Defense?

I was shocked to discover that no where in the Bible are we commanded to defend the Gospel.

No where.

Wait. Is that right? Aren't we supposed to defend what is most precious to us?

Then I had a thought.

This Gospel speaks for itself. We don't need to defend it. It's flawless. It has no weaknesses.

So why would we feel like we have to defend it?

Because we've bought in to the idea that we need to sell the Gospel.
We've bought in to the idea that we can somehow persuade people to accept the Bible as truth by the power of our words.

We don't need to do that. The Gospel speaks for itself.

Paul says as much in 1 Corinthians 2:4 : "My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power."

See what I'm saying? This Gospel speaks for itself. The Spirit can speak for itself. It's not our job to try to convince people to accept it. It's not our job to argue with people and defend it when they disagree with it.

It is simply our job to know nothing but Jesus and Him crucified. We are to simply show that and let the Spirit do the rest.

In Acts 5, a man named Gamaliel stands up in a council that is debating over what to do with the apostles. The apostles will not stop healing people and preaching the message of Jesus.

Gamaliel says this: "Leave these men alone! Let them go! For if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail. BUT IF IT IS FROM GOD, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God."

What is he saying here? He's saying that they should let this Gospel that the apostles are preaching speak for itself. It's very simple: if it's not from God, it will be proved as such. But if it is, it's unstoppable.

Why do we need to defend something that is already unstoppable........?

Our job is not to fight. We are simply to present and let the Spirit do the rest. Let people say what they want. The Gospel is still exploding all over the world.

So let's not try to convince people that they should believe. And let's not fight the people that don't. The apostles didn't. Why should we?

This Gospel speaks for itself.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Do Something

"We can believe in CPR, but people will remain dead until someone breathes new life into them."

"We are not simply to bandage the wounds of victims beneath the wheels of injustice, but we are to drive a spoke into the wheel itself."

"We are called to play the Good Samaritan on life's roadside ... but one day we must come to see that the whole Jericho road must be transformed so that men and women will not constantly be beaten and robbed. True compassion is more than flinging a coin to a beggar. It comes to see that a system that produces beggars needs to be repaved. We are called to be the Good Samaritan, but after you lift so many people out of the ditch you start to ask, maybe the whole road to Jericho needs to be repaved."
There will always be casualties. Until we get to the root of the problem, until we decide to stop simply giving out fish and actually give someone a fishing rod, nothing will change.
There will always be people that need money. There will always be people that need food. There will always be people that need clothes.
Until we stop waiting for them to come to us and we actually hit the problem at the source.
We don't just wait for the beggars to come to us beaten after their treacherous journey on the road to Jericho. We go clear out the robbers and repave the road. We strike first.
We don't simply bandage the road rash of people that have been overrun by the wheels of injustice. We take a steel bar and shove it through the spokes of that wheel.
Why don't we do this though?
Because it's easier to write a check.
Because it's easier to say "I'll pray for you."
Because no one actually wants to get their hands dirty.
James 2:14-17 says it best: "What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if not accompanied by works is dead."
Shane Claiborne says it this way: "Tithes, tax-exempt donations, and short-term mission trips, while they accomplish some good, can also function as outlets that allow us to appease our consciences and still remain a safe distance from the poor. Charity can be a dangerous insulator."
He continues: "I'm just not convinced that Jesus is going to say, 'When I was hungry, you gave a check to the United Way and they fed me,' or , 'When i was naked, you donated clothes to the Salvation Army and they clothed me.' Jesus is not seeking distant acts of charity. He seeks concrete acts of love."
Too many are trying to play this game with one foot on the court and one foot on the bench.
It's time to either get on the court or sit down.
Because this halfway stuff isn't actually solving anything.
It's not fixing what's really broken.
It's only damage control.

Friday, June 5, 2009

I had one expectation.

In the days leading up to my trip to South Africa I decided that I wanted God to prove something to me.

I wanted Him to prove to me that two week mission trips were effective. I wanted Him to prove to me that they could actually make a difference despite the incredible lack of longevity. That was my only expectation.

He answered me. But not in the way I was expecting. Here's what He showed me.

There are no mission trips.

Think about it. There are no mission trips.

Life ITSELF is the mission.

Let me explain.

In the weeks leading up to our trip, preparation was stressed repeatedly. Things commonly heard were "Be reading your Bibles every day"and "Remain in constant prayer for this trip".

Shouldn't we be doing that already?

This is the misconception.

We assume that since we're going to Africa we need to "up our game". As if the people in America need to hear it less?

How many of us slack in our efforts here in our own country, yet bring the heat the minute we land in a foreign country? Can this be right?

Here's how God answered my question.

If we determine to live a LIFE of ministry, then it won't matter where you are, how long you're there, or what you're doing.

Because your attitude remains the same. The same attitude that we carry would simply fly with us to another country and we would only pick up where we left off in America.

Here's what I propose.

We blow this box wide open.

We think bigger than "mission trips" which has become such a catch phrase in the Christian circles.

We decide to have the same attitude, the same preparation, the same fervor, no matter where we are. Then the duration of the trip won't matter. The area we live in won't matter. The class of people that we minister to won't matter.

Because now everyone is on equal ground in our minds. No one people need the Gospel more than another. Let's cut up this misconception and let God show what HIS idea of missions looks like.

You know, when we found out that we were going to staying in a nice house with comfortable beds and a pool and showers and American food, I imagine some of were just a bit disappointed.

We were ready to take the Gospel to the people that REALLY needed it, like the poor people and the homeless!

Like the rich people don't need it too?

Like the business people and the teachers and the higher class in general don't need it too?

This is a matter of perspective, and it's a wrong perspective.

We have this idea in our heads and we gotta break it down because I believe it's preventing many of us from truly making a constant, day-to-day impact in this world.

The Americans need the Gospel too. So why is everyone running off to other countries?

The rich people need the Gospel too. So why is everyone looking for poor people?

This should be equal territory but it isn't. So let's change it. Let's be transformed by the renewing of our minds.

Let's think BIGGER.

No more "mission trips".

More "lifestyle".

Monday, March 16, 2009

How I need You

I'm so lost unless You find me.
I'm so empty unless You fill me.
I'm so dirty unless You clean me.
I'm so sinful unless You justify me.
I'm so helpless unless you help me.
I'm so fallen unless You pick me up.
I'm so desperate unless You take me.
I'm so missing unless You find me.
I'm so broken unless You fix me.
I'm so worthless unless you identify me as your own.
I'm so conflicted unless You calm me.
I'm so needy unless You satisfy me.
I'm so arrogant unless You break me.
I'm so addicted unless You free me.
I'm so wounded unless You heal me.
I'm so in the dark until You shine in my heart.
I'm so hopeless until You give me hope.
I'm so drowning unless You rescue me.
I'm so alone until You are with me.
I'm so incapable unless You empower me.
I'm so not enough unless you make me more.
I'm so unworthy unless you make me worthy.
I'm so undeserving unless You deserve me.
I'm so blind unless You open my eyes.
I'm so weak unless You give me Your strength.
I'm so tired unless You carry me.
I'm so defenseless unless You protect me.
I'm so nothing until You make me something.
I'm so............I'm so............
IN NEED OF YOU.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

1 Corinthians 13:11-" Like a Child"

I'm amazed at myself.

Now before you become upset at me for my incredible pride and arrogance let me explain:)

I'm amazed at myself when I consider just how often I continually revert back into the person I used to be, i.e. the person that the power of God has freed me from. I'm amazed at my capacity for selfishness and pride.

This is, of course, not a problem exclusive to me. I realize that this is, in fact, human nature. We are born with a me-first mentality. But this has recently become more clear to me than ever before. I see that man, the man that God wants me to be, and the man that I'm slowing becoming. I see where I need to get to. I know what I have to do.

And yet I don't do it. I fall short time and time again.

Now I don't want to be too hard on myself. I am only nineteen and hopefully I have a long way to go yet. But I'm also not going to use that as an excuse. Like that verse in Corinthians says, i need to be constantly putting my old way of thinking and acting behind me.

And recently this struggle to deny my nature and follow after HIS nature has felt like an actual struggle. Almost as if I'm physically grappling with someone. The more God continues to shape my thinking and ideas and actions the harder it gets.

Whatever it is, it doesn't want to let go.

And I don't need to win this fight against myself just for me. Winning this fight against myself is about becoming a better friend and and a better boyfriend and a better worship leader and a better listener and a better servant and, one day, a better husband and father. I'm not out to win this fight just for myself. This is about the people in my life who deserve the best that I can be.

Now I definitely don't want to over-dramatize this. This is simply a routine theme in the Bible, a theme of DAILY denying ourselves for the good of others. My focus needs to continually on the needs of others rather than myself.

Will this happen? No. I'm imperfect and will never achieve that level of unselfishness. But I will strive to leave those old patterns of behavior behind. And when they show up I will fight them. I will gain mastery over my mind and learn to take every thought captive. I will learn to honor the people around me with my thoughts and actions.

By the grace of God, I will never stop reaching for more. And when I stumble and revert back to my old self? Grace will be there to show me who I really am in Christ, to show me that I'm no longer the child I used to be. I will remember that, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come."

And I will fight back. I will grapple with myself. Cause this is worth fighting for with everything I have.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Gardening in Africa (in 95-100 degree weather)

One of the ways we were able to minister to the people in South Africa AND Mozambique was, as the title so cleverly insinuates, was gardening:)

Now, I'm a landscaper. So gardening is a bit like breathing for me. So when I heard we were going to be gardening I thought to myself "sure, no problem".

Right?

WRONG. Let's start with the weather.

Check that. Let's start with me being stupid and not thinking about packing sunscreen for Africa. I am so dumb sometimes I swear......

Anyways. Turns out that it's hot in Africa. Go figure. Like 90 degrees in the shade kind of hot.

It gets better.

I didn't have gloves so my hands blistered after the first half hour.

Now, in Mozambique? We quit working before it got too hot. But for some reason in South Africa we worked into the heat of the day. But maybe it just felt like the heat of the day to a skinny white guy from cold, rainy Oregon. Who knows.

Then the tools we had were bordering on primitive since, obviously, there wasn't enough money to buy good ones. As a result, all the handles on the tools were two or three feet too short so we were bent over most of the time.

Now I'm a pretty lean guy and my back's in good shape but that was pushing the proverbial envelope as they say.

Then the clean water runs out so we're all sharing.

Needless to say, this was not an enjoyable experience. I was fortunate enough to beg some sunscreen off of an actual smart person who put some thought into her packing, thank goodness, otherwise i would've fried alive.

But the suffering we endured in the heat isn't the primary explanation for the reason why these memories have stuck fast in my head.

It was the way we were able to take a plot of land in South Africa that was nothing but a field full of tough grass and overrun with weeds and weed it, plow it by hand, plant it with all kinds of fruits and vegetables, and water it. Make it into something beautiful.

It was the was we took a dry, dusty, nutrition-starved yard enclosed in a compound with walls that had razor wire on top and broke it up one shovel full at a time, mixed in manure one shovel full at a time, raised up the beds and planted more food by which these people could sustain themselves.

And it was the gratitude that stood out to me. The man we gardened for in South Africa was in a wheelchair and couldn't sustain himself. The people we gardened for in Mozambique planned on using that garden to feed the community around them.

And we had the wonderful opportunity to be a part of that.

Two thoughts:

1) I learned that God doesn't get to be a part of what I'M doing. It's HIM who lets ME take a part in what HE'S doing.

2) I learned the value of not simply giving a man a fish, but rather teaching him how to fish. We didn't give them money or food in this particular instance. We gave them something that would sustain them and provide for them.

I feel like I was more blessed than they were.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Beauty

South Africa is the most beautiful place I've ever seen in my life. And I expect I might always feel that way no matter where I go.

When we first landed in South Africa we found ourselves lost in the massiveness of Johannisburg Airport, surrounded by stores and food courts that looked exactly like the ones found in our OWN airports.

Not incredibly beautiful to say the least:) In fact, it was a little disappointing. Especially since we were stuck there for hours.

But soon enough we were picked up by a taxi and taken to a bus station, where we had to wait for hours again. Thrilling. Needless to say, the landscape at this point was less than impressive.

Next, we were picked up by our friend in the field who had arranged for us to be there. He drove for a while through the city streets, with me stuck in the bed of the truck with a couple of guys. Lovely.

Then:)

Then my faith was rewarded the moment we left the city. We got out on the freeway, which was basically a two-lane road winding through endless seas of tall grass blowing and swaying in the wind. We could see for miles.

Before I continue, I want to point out that there was something beautiful about the airport and the bus station and the city, but it wasn't these places themselves.

It was the people. These people, with their ebony skin and piercing eyes and crazy hair, were so beautiful. That was something I won't forget about those awful places:)

Ok moving on. We arrived at the village we were to live in and I discovered that all the roads are dirt. Not that surprising right? Except it was red dirt. Everywhere. I actually walked around taking pictures of the roads. It's not like I didn't know dirt could be red. But to walk on it and see it in front of me was awesome:) it's just crazy unique.

Then we met the kids. OH. my. gosh. Gorgeous.

You talk about adorable and any other word you can think of to describe cute and that was them.

We would frequently go on walks as well, either as a team or with our host families, through the countryside. We would go when the sun was setting on the horizon, and the horizon was miles and miles away. It almost seemed that I could see the curve of the sky it was so far. We saw giraffe and zebra within 30 or 40 feet. Giraffe are absolutely huge when you're that close.

I would often times just stop walking and stare. Dumbstruck. Completely at a loss for words. I remember one time climbing over a small butte and suddenly everything stretched out before me like a canvas. The sun was brilliant, reflecting off the grassy fields that never seemed to end, with the trees casting shadows everywhere. So green it almost hurt to look. I remember all I could say was ".....oh God....", followed by digging my jaw out of the dirt where it had dropped. The sky was bluer than I've ever seen a sky. It seemed to me that heaven must look similar.

It was in this place called Africa that I began to realize something profound.

God made this. And how much more beautiful than the creation must the Creator be!

I felt then that I had begun to discover a new facet of God. His incredible beauty. A beauty that steals my breath away and causes me to be at a loss for words. I can't wait to see Him someday.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

How Deep the Father's Love For Us

How deep the Father's love for us. How vast beyond all measure.
That He should give His only Son,

To make a wretch(me) His treasure.

How great the pain of searing loss! The Father turns His face away.
As wounds which mar the Chosen one,

Bring many sons(including me) to Glory.

Behold the Man upon the cross, my sin upon His shoulders.
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice,

Call out among the scoffers.

It was MY sin that held Him there! Until it was accomplished.
His dying breath has brought me life.

I know that it is finished.

So I will not boast in anything. No gifts, nor power, nor wisdom.
But I WILL boast in Jesus Christ.

His death and resurection.

Why should I gain from His reward? I cannot give an answer.
But THIS i know with all my heart.........


His wounds have paid my ransom.

If i said "thank you Jesus" a billion times a day for the rest of my life it wouldn't be enough.

But I've never been more thankful for anything in my life.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Love

What is love?

If I define love as being patient and kind, not envious and not boastful, not proud and not rude, not self-seeking, then I fail at love.

I'm not very patient. I'm kind but not enough. I'm envious and boastful. I'm proud and I'm rude. I'm also self-seeking.

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself.

These things are all human nature after all.

But I'm still am not happy with where I am.

After reading Song of Solomon, where i believe love is portrayed in it's purest form, an intense desire was birthed in me.

I want to love like that. I want to love someone like that. I want to cherish someone like that. To make her everything to me.

I want to be everything love is. Unselfish and kind. Un-envious and humble. Ever patient and not arrogant. And I'm not gonna stop till I get there.

Will I ever completely achieve that? No. I'm as imperfect as a human can be.

But i'm gonna get as close as I can. I'm gonna work at it for the rest of my life. It is attainable.

I want to love a woman the way Christ loves her. To give her everything I am.

To tell her everyday how beautiful she is and how much I love her.

To let her know that I value her over any other person or thing in this world.

I can be that. Not because I'm strong enough. But because God is strong enough and His power is made perfect in my weakness.

His power ought to be pretty perfect by now then haha.

I want my life to be about love. Love for her, love for my Savior, love for the beautiful people in this world. Even love for myself.

I don't mean being in love with myself. I mean that rather than hate myself for my imperfections.

Love is a journey.

I wanna get walking.

I also want to BE loved that way. I want to be everything to her. I want to be her strength. I want to make her laugh all the time. I want her to see me the way God sees me. I want to be the only one for her. I want to be that knight.

All these things I've mentioned don't even really come close to describing how I feel but it's a piece. I don't want to simply KNOW what true love is. I want to BE what true love is.

Monday, January 5, 2009

The FOOD!!

A week before leaving for Africa I spent time with my team, hoping to solidify relationships and get to know people better. Which is what happened.

I also went because i was told that we would be starting a diet during the course of that week that would help us to assimilate to the African food when we arrived.

We didnt't end up getting around to that. So I had no idea what to expect.

As a result, I had visions of eating raw goat meat and brains and snakes and things of that nature:)

I was pleasantly surprised when i was offered rice and beans and milk for my first meal.

In fact, the weirdest thing i ate(and it was gross) was chicken feet. That's right.

Chicken FEET.

I didn't know you could eat those!

It appeared that they had simply been boiled in water. Talons and all were still present as i ate.

I say ATE, though NIBBLED is probably closer to the truth. The skin was the consistency of slimy rubber and of course, as there was no meat on them, cartilage was the only thing to be found under the slimy rubber.

Needless to say I did my best to eat whatever I could and simply tried not to gag.

But what struck me the most about my eating in Africa was not what I ate.

I was HOW I ate. How well I ate is what i mean to say.

I can't actually remember being very hungry at all when living with this family in South Africa. I remember being frequently stuffed in fact.

I remember one night in particular. My mother laid a massive plate in front of me of beans and rice,which I never tired of eating by the way.

Then the kids came in to join me.

And them?

They had small bowls, probably a third of what I had on my plate.

A third.

Our coordinator in South Africa told us that one of the things we would feel the most would be shame. He was right.

I was so ashamed. When have I EVER been that generous??

Never.

Their generosity in the face of such poverty humbled me like nothing ever has. Like nothing probably ever will again.

...I was so ashamed....

I didn't want to eat it. I wanted to give it back to them cause heaven knows that they need it more than I did.

And then I realized something.

They wanted to bless me. They were so thankful for me being there to see them and work with them that they wanted to do something for me in return.

And this was the only way they could do that. This was the only way they felt that they could repay me for flying over to meet them.

Was it easier to eat? Not really. But after the shame and and the humbling came the most intense gratitude I think I've ever felt.

There's something about a gift given from nothing......