The Storm

Often times, when talking about the storms in our lives, we refer to the things happening outside of us, the things happening in our lives that are out of our control.

The storm I face is not this kind. The storm I'm facing is inside of me.

I'm in a fight against myself and the battle is raging.

The fight is between me and myself.

It's a struggle between the man that struggles to control emotions and habits and lacks discipline in many ways and the man that burns for the love of Christ to fall on himself and on his school.

A struggle between the man who's feelings and judgements are like a roller coaster and the man that continues to grow closer to Christ everyday and feels the growth and punishment from the Father.

It's a fight between the man that thinks only of himself and the man that knows he can be so much more because God has dreamed of who he can be.

My determination is to be that man. The man that God has always known I can be. The man that has mastery over himself and is strong in battle. Not in my strength, which fails time after time, but in his.

I've been called to so much. God is asking if I'm going to step up.

I could say no. It's my choice. But I can't stand to live that way. I want to live free. And God is making it happen.

Sometimes I think to myself that often I'm like the double-minded man in James 1. That I often float around between confidence and lack thereof, between happiness and despair, between loving myself and hating myself.

The time for that to end is now. It's gone on long enough and it's time to take care of business.

This storm is the effect of that resistance. My old self doesn't appreciate the fight.

But I've got so much ahead of me. I'm ready to step into it. It's about leaving the person I used to be behind me in the pursuit of all God has for me.

1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12:1-3

Enough waiting to do what needs to be done. It's time for change.

It's been happening for months. It's just coming to a head and a crossroads. I'm taking the narrow way.

Watch out evil. I'm stepping up.

I want to be feared by the darkness.

The Prodigal Son

Sometimes I feel like I've wandered so far from God that I can't get all the way back.



I feel like I've done too many things to return, to be whole again.



I lack the confidence to believe that I can overcome the things that plague me, both from the past and in the present.



Sometimes I feel like I'll never be complete again because of things I've said and done, like I won't be able to be all I'm meant to be because of how I've wandered.



It's in this moment when I hear this:



"Oh my child. Do you still not understand? My love accomplishes everything. You have confidence because I gave it to you by defeating every earthly power and reminding you that if I am for you, no one can be against you. My love and healing are complete. I can make you into what you've longed to be for so long, what I'VE wanted you to be for so long. Don't despair. You may have gone far from Me but I was never far from you. You can return to complete purity and wholeness and wisdom and healing. Just let me help you. Don't turn away in disappointment or shame. Let me see your face. Look into my eyes and see that you are LOVED. Welcome home."



And all of a sudden.....I dare to hope. I dare to believe that no matter how many times I've misrepresented my faith, no matter how many times I've sinned, no matter how many times I've strayed into deception and wrong thinking, or given up on myself, I can still be whole again.

No matter what my mind is telling me, I can come back. ALL the way back. Completely righteous and justified.



Everything from before forgotten. Just like that.


Now I'm free. I feel like I should have to do something else, like it's too easy, but I don't. I just need to accept it, accept the grace. It's difficult to believe that return to the exact spot that i strayed from and simply keep walking from there but I can.

We can.

Simple concept? Yes. Easy to learn? No.

I'm trying to get into my heart, not just leave it in my head.