1 Corinthians 13:11-" Like a Child"

I'm amazed at myself.

Now before you become upset at me for my incredible pride and arrogance let me explain:)

I'm amazed at myself when I consider just how often I continually revert back into the person I used to be, i.e. the person that the power of God has freed me from. I'm amazed at my capacity for selfishness and pride.

This is, of course, not a problem exclusive to me. I realize that this is, in fact, human nature. We are born with a me-first mentality. But this has recently become more clear to me than ever before. I see that man, the man that God wants me to be, and the man that I'm slowing becoming. I see where I need to get to. I know what I have to do.

And yet I don't do it. I fall short time and time again.

Now I don't want to be too hard on myself. I am only nineteen and hopefully I have a long way to go yet. But I'm also not going to use that as an excuse. Like that verse in Corinthians says, i need to be constantly putting my old way of thinking and acting behind me.

And recently this struggle to deny my nature and follow after HIS nature has felt like an actual struggle. Almost as if I'm physically grappling with someone. The more God continues to shape my thinking and ideas and actions the harder it gets.

Whatever it is, it doesn't want to let go.

And I don't need to win this fight against myself just for me. Winning this fight against myself is about becoming a better friend and and a better boyfriend and a better worship leader and a better listener and a better servant and, one day, a better husband and father. I'm not out to win this fight just for myself. This is about the people in my life who deserve the best that I can be.

Now I definitely don't want to over-dramatize this. This is simply a routine theme in the Bible, a theme of DAILY denying ourselves for the good of others. My focus needs to continually on the needs of others rather than myself.

Will this happen? No. I'm imperfect and will never achieve that level of unselfishness. But I will strive to leave those old patterns of behavior behind. And when they show up I will fight them. I will gain mastery over my mind and learn to take every thought captive. I will learn to honor the people around me with my thoughts and actions.

By the grace of God, I will never stop reaching for more. And when I stumble and revert back to my old self? Grace will be there to show me who I really am in Christ, to show me that I'm no longer the child I used to be. I will remember that, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come."

And I will fight back. I will grapple with myself. Cause this is worth fighting for with everything I have.