I Want to Hold Them

One of the hardest things I have ever had to witness is children infected with HIV.

Why? Why do they have to be infected? What did they do to warrant such an injustice?

All they did was be born. Their parents took care of the rest.

It's one of the more horrific examples of generational sin. The children have to pay for the sins of their parents.

One of the distinguishing characteristics in a child infected by HIV are sores. Typically on their heads. In more advanced stages these sores cover their bodies from head to toe. They are extremely painful and constantly leak fluid. These sores can be transmitted by touch so often times we could not hold these kids, otherwise we would be infected. Even if we wanted to anyways, the people probably wouldn't have let us.

I literally ached when I saw this. All I wanted to do was stroke these kids on the head, to hold them and tell them it was gonna be alright.

And I couldn't. I felt helpless.

One particular time I went with a group of ladies to bathe a young girl. At first nothing appeared out of the ordinary. Then they took off her clothes.

She was covered from head to toe in these sores. These woman began to wash her.

They had to scrub hard enough to rip the heads off the sores. The girl began to scream in pain.

Soon there was blood running all over her body. She began crying for her mother, who ignored her. That broke my heart.

And me? I cried. I cried because all I wanted to do was pick her up in my arms. I didn't care about the blood or sores. But I couldn't. So i prayed. And cried. Eventually they finished.

Then something incredible happened. I saw myself in this girl. And I saw God in the women.

Here's why: the little girl? She didn't understand why. She didn't understand why we were hurting her. She cried and screamed and became angry at us. She didn't understand that we were helping her.

Isn't that exactly how I am with God.

He allows things to happen to me. Sometimes he disciplines me. And it hurts. And I don't understand. I complain. I say it's not fair. But He's doing what's best for me. He's doing what needs to happen in order for me to be clean. For me to be whole.