How I need You

I'm so lost unless You find me.

I'm so empty unless You fill me.

I'm so dirty unless You clean me.

I'm so sinful unless You justify me.

I'm so helpless unless you help me.

I'm so fallen unless You pick me up.

I'm so desperate unless You take me.

I'm so missing unless You find me.

I'm so broken unless You fix me.

I'm so worthless unless you identify me as your own.

I'm so conflicted unless You calm me.

I'm so needy unless You satisfy me.

I'm so arrogant unless You break me.

I'm so addicted unless You free me.

I'm so wounded unless You heal me.

I'm so in the dark until You shine in my heart.

I'm so hopeless until You give me hope.

I'm so drowning unless You rescue me.

I'm so alone until You are with me.

I'm so incapable unless You empower me.

I'm so not enough unless you make me more.

I'm so unworthy unless you make me worthy.

I'm so undeserving unless You deserve me.

I'm so blind unless You open my eyes.

I'm so weak unless You give me Your strength.

I'm so tired unless You carry me.

I'm so defenseless unless You protect me.

I'm so nothing until You make me something.

I'm so............I'm so............

IN NEED OF YOU.

1 Corinthians 13:11-" Like a Child"

I'm amazed at myself.

Now before you become upset at me for my incredible pride and arrogance let me explain:)

I'm amazed at myself when I consider just how often I continually revert back into the person I used to be, i.e. the person that the power of God has freed me from. I'm amazed at my capacity for selfishness and pride.

This is, of course, not a problem exclusive to me. I realize that this is, in fact, human nature. We are born with a me-first mentality. But this has recently become more clear to me than ever before. I see that man, the man that God wants me to be, and the man that I'm slowing becoming. I see where I need to get to. I know what I have to do.

And yet I don't do it. I fall short time and time again.

Now I don't want to be too hard on myself. I am only nineteen and hopefully I have a long way to go yet. But I'm also not going to use that as an excuse. Like that verse in Corinthians says, i need to be constantly putting my old way of thinking and acting behind me.

And recently this struggle to deny my nature and follow after HIS nature has felt like an actual struggle. Almost as if I'm physically grappling with someone. The more God continues to shape my thinking and ideas and actions the harder it gets.

Whatever it is, it doesn't want to let go.

And I don't need to win this fight against myself just for me. Winning this fight against myself is about becoming a better friend and and a better boyfriend and a better worship leader and a better listener and a better servant and, one day, a better husband and father. I'm not out to win this fight just for myself. This is about the people in my life who deserve the best that I can be.

Now I definitely don't want to over-dramatize this. This is simply a routine theme in the Bible, a theme of DAILY denying ourselves for the good of others. My focus needs to continually on the needs of others rather than myself.

Will this happen? No. I'm imperfect and will never achieve that level of unselfishness. But I will strive to leave those old patterns of behavior behind. And when they show up I will fight them. I will gain mastery over my mind and learn to take every thought captive. I will learn to honor the people around me with my thoughts and actions.

By the grace of God, I will never stop reaching for more. And when I stumble and revert back to my old self? Grace will be there to show me who I really am in Christ, to show me that I'm no longer the child I used to be. I will remember that, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come."

And I will fight back. I will grapple with myself. Cause this is worth fighting for with everything I have.

Gardening in Africa (in 95-100 degree weather)

One of the ways we were able to minister to the people in South Africa AND Mozambique was, as the title so cleverly insinuates, was gardening:)

Now, I'm a landscaper. So gardening is a bit like breathing for me. So when I heard we were going to be gardening I thought to myself "sure, no problem".

Right?

WRONG. Let's start with the weather.

Check that. Let's start with me being stupid and not thinking about packing sunscreen for Africa. I am so dumb sometimes I swear......

Anyways. Turns out that it's hot in Africa. Go figure. Like 90 degrees in the shade kind of hot.

It gets better.

I didn't have gloves so my hands blistered after the first half hour.

Now, in Mozambique? We quit working before it got too hot. But for some reason in South Africa we worked into the heat of the day. But maybe it just felt like the heat of the day to a skinny white guy from cold, rainy Oregon. Who knows.

Then the tools we had were bordering on primitive since, obviously, there wasn't enough money to buy good ones. As a result, all the handles on the tools were two or three feet too short so we were bent over most of the time.

Now I'm a pretty lean guy and my back's in good shape but that was pushing the proverbial envelope as they say.

Then the clean water runs out so we're all sharing.

Needless to say, this was not an enjoyable experience. I was fortunate enough to beg some sunscreen off of an actual smart person who put some thought into her packing, thank goodness, otherwise i would've fried alive.

But the suffering we endured in the heat isn't the primary explanation for the reason why these memories have stuck fast in my head.

It was the way we were able to take a plot of land in South Africa that was nothing but a field full of tough grass and overrun with weeds and weed it, plow it by hand, plant it with all kinds of fruits and vegetables, and water it. Make it into something beautiful.

It was the was we took a dry, dusty, nutrition-starved yard enclosed in a compound with walls that had razor wire on top and broke it up one shovel full at a time, mixed in manure one shovel full at a time, raised up the beds and planted more food by which these people could sustain themselves.

And it was the gratitude that stood out to me. The man we gardened for in South Africa was in a wheelchair and couldn't sustain himself. The people we gardened for in Mozambique planned on using that garden to feed the community around them.

And we had the wonderful opportunity to be a part of that.

Two thoughts:

1) I learned that God doesn't get to be a part of what I'M doing. It's HIM who lets ME take a part in what HE'S doing.

2) I learned the value of not simply giving a man a fish, but rather teaching him how to fish. We didn't give them money or food in this particular instance. We gave them something that would sustain them and provide for them.

I feel like I was more blessed than they were.

The Beauty

South Africa is the most beautiful place I've ever seen in my life. And I expect I might always feel that way no matter where I go.

When we first landed in South Africa we found ourselves lost in the massiveness of Johannisburg Airport, surrounded by stores and food courts that looked exactly like the ones found in our OWN airports.

Not incredibly beautiful to say the least:) In fact, it was a little disappointing. Especially since we were stuck there for hours.

But soon enough we were picked up by a taxi and taken to a bus station, where we had to wait for hours again. Thrilling. Needless to say, the landscape at this point was less than impressive.

Next, we were picked up by our friend in the field who had arranged for us to be there. He drove for a while through the city streets, with me stuck in the bed of the truck with a couple of guys. Lovely.

Then:)

Then my faith was rewarded the moment we left the city. We got out on the freeway, which was basically a two-lane road winding through endless seas of tall grass blowing and swaying in the wind. We could see for miles.

Before I continue, I want to point out that there was something beautiful about the airport and the bus station and the city, but it wasn't these places themselves.

It was the people. These people, with their ebony skin and piercing eyes and crazy hair, were so beautiful. That was something I won't forget about those awful places:)

Ok moving on. We arrived at the village we were to live in and I discovered that all the roads are dirt. Not that surprising right? Except it was red dirt. Everywhere. I actually walked around taking pictures of the roads. It's not like I didn't know dirt could be red. But to walk on it and see it in front of me was awesome:) it's just crazy unique.

Then we met the kids. OH. my. gosh. Gorgeous.

You talk about adorable and any other word you can think of to describe cute and that was them.

We would frequently go on walks as well, either as a team or with our host families, through the countryside. We would go when the sun was setting on the horizon, and the horizon was miles and miles away. It almost seemed that I could see the curve of the sky it was so far. We saw giraffe and zebra within 30 or 40 feet. Giraffe are absolutely huge when you're that close.

I would often times just stop walking and stare. Dumbstruck. Completely at a loss for words. I remember one time climbing over a small butte and suddenly everything stretched out before me like a canvas. The sun was brilliant, reflecting off the grassy fields that never seemed to end, with the trees casting shadows everywhere. So green it almost hurt to look. I remember all I could say was ".....oh God....", followed by digging my jaw out of the dirt where it had dropped. The sky was bluer than I've ever seen a sky. It seemed to me that heaven must look similar.

It was in this place called Africa that I began to realize something profound.

God made this. And how much more beautiful than the creation must the Creator be!

I felt then that I had begun to discover a new facet of God. His incredible beauty. A beauty that steals my breath away and causes me to be at a loss for words. I can't wait to see Him someday.

How Deep the Father's Love For Us

How deep the Father's love for us. How vast beyond all measure.
That He should give His only Son,

To make a wretch(me) His treasure.

How great the pain of searing loss! The Father turns His face away.
As wounds which mar the Chosen one,

Bring many sons(including me) to Glory.

Behold the Man upon the cross, my sin upon His shoulders.
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice,

Call out among the scoffers.

It was MY sin that held Him there! Until it was accomplished.
His dying breath has brought me life.

I know that it is finished.

So I will not boast in anything. No gifts, nor power, nor wisdom.
But I WILL boast in Jesus Christ.

His death and resurection.

Why should I gain from His reward? I cannot give an answer.
But THIS i know with all my heart.........


His wounds have paid my ransom.

If i said "thank you Jesus" a billion times a day for the rest of my life it wouldn't be enough.

But I've never been more thankful for anything in my life.

Love

What is love?

If I define love as being patient and kind, not envious and not boastful, not proud and not rude, not self-seeking, then I fail at love.

I'm not very patient. I'm kind but not enough. I'm envious and boastful. I'm proud and I'm rude. I'm also self-seeking.

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself.

These things are all human nature after all.

But I'm still am not happy with where I am.

After reading Song of Solomon, where i believe love is portrayed in it's purest form, an intense desire was birthed in me.

I want to love like that. I want to love someone like that. I want to cherish someone like that. To make her everything to me.

I want to be everything love is. Unselfish and kind. Un-envious and humble. Ever patient and not arrogant. And I'm not gonna stop till I get there.

Will I ever completely achieve that? No. I'm as imperfect as a human can be.

But i'm gonna get as close as I can. I'm gonna work at it for the rest of my life. It is attainable.

I want to love a woman the way Christ loves her. To give her everything I am.

To tell her everyday how beautiful she is and how much I love her.

To let her know that I value her over any other person or thing in this world.

I can be that. Not because I'm strong enough. But because God is strong enough and His power is made perfect in my weakness.

His power ought to be pretty perfect by now then haha.

I want my life to be about love. Love for her, love for my Savior, love for the beautiful people in this world. Even love for myself.

I don't mean being in love with myself. I mean that rather than hate myself for my imperfections.

Love is a journey.

I wanna get walking.

I also want to BE loved that way. I want to be everything to her. I want to be her strength. I want to make her laugh all the time. I want her to see me the way God sees me. I want to be the only one for her. I want to be that knight.

All these things I've mentioned don't even really come close to describing how I feel but it's a piece. I don't want to simply KNOW what true love is. I want to BE what true love is.

The FOOD!!

A week before leaving for Africa I spent time with my team, hoping to solidify relationships and get to know people better. Which is what happened.

I also went because i was told that we would be starting a diet during the course of that week that would help us to assimilate to the African food when we arrived.

We didnt't end up getting around to that. So I had no idea what to expect.

As a result, I had visions of eating raw goat meat and brains and snakes and things of that nature:)

I was pleasantly surprised when i was offered rice and beans and milk for my first meal.

In fact, the weirdest thing i ate(and it was gross) was chicken feet. That's right.

Chicken FEET.

I didn't know you could eat those!

It appeared that they had simply been boiled in water. Talons and all were still present as i ate.

I say ATE, though NIBBLED is probably closer to the truth. The skin was the consistency of slimy rubber and of course, as there was no meat on them, cartilage was the only thing to be found under the slimy rubber.

Needless to say I did my best to eat whatever I could and simply tried not to gag.

But what struck me the most about my eating in Africa was not what I ate.

I was HOW I ate. How well I ate is what i mean to say.

I can't actually remember being very hungry at all when living with this family in South Africa. I remember being frequently stuffed in fact.

I remember one night in particular. My mother laid a massive plate in front of me of beans and rice,which I never tired of eating by the way.

Then the kids came in to join me.

And them?

They had small bowls, probably a third of what I had on my plate.

A third.

Our coordinator in South Africa told us that one of the things we would feel the most would be shame. He was right.

I was so ashamed. When have I EVER been that generous??

Never.

Their generosity in the face of such poverty humbled me like nothing ever has. Like nothing probably ever will again.

...I was so ashamed....

I didn't want to eat it. I wanted to give it back to them cause heaven knows that they need it more than I did.

And then I realized something.

They wanted to bless me. They were so thankful for me being there to see them and work with them that they wanted to do something for me in return.

And this was the only way they could do that. This was the only way they felt that they could repay me for flying over to meet them.

Was it easier to eat? Not really. But after the shame and and the humbling came the most intense gratitude I think I've ever felt.

There's something about a gift given from nothing......